Just got gooned.

Dear Mini Roll boy,

I heard you were seeking for news from me so I've rapped this one out quick, sorry for the ever so long delay...

I have discovered however that the cynics have a point. Sailing may not be the career choice genetics had planned for me. My infamous disorganisation (New Year's anyone?) hasnt improved with a hemispheres worth of travel- I'm working my way through a collection of sunglasses, Ive lost my provisional drivers license and, when briefly trusted with the organisation of the boat provisions and travel managed to lose the envelope of money twice. Once in a mass supermarket where I ran around helplessly till a kindly Aussie took pity on me.

But really the most obvious hints were on the boat. Genetics are against me.

Im too short to tie and untie the knots on the boom and have to have it lowered specially for me.

Im too weak to quickly winch in the head and mainsail when we're tacking to be any good in races (Oh didnt I mention!?? Every Thursday there's a Twilight race at the Yachting Club which we take place in. The first week we came 3rd last [but give us a break! We'd only been on a boat four days...] but most recently we came 2nd. Plus one week we joined a boat which was low on crew. It turned out to be the old dude in his own little boat with what we thought was a foreign exchange student but turned out to be his highly incompetent 21 year old girlfriend who couldnt even wind a rope properly. He spent the entire way back commenting that every skipper who passed us was just thinking 'Who is this old guy with his little old beaten up boat and four young female crew members? Why cant I be him?' Trouble was it was so noisy I couldnt hear him so just kept smiling and nodding. I looked well keen.)

I cant tie shoelaces so sail ties, full roll and two half hitches, bowline, figures of eight and rolling knots are a little much for me...

I cant drive a boat backwards. There are several moments when the skipper has looked at me praying that I never get a drivers license...

But best yet is my version of seasickness. You know how I can sleep absolutely anywhere? Well the first sign of seasickness is falling asleep and I have now spent several passages poking myself to try and stay awake. Its got to the stage where I get on the boat and start dropping off. One of my crewmates came in to find me crashed out on the chart table halfway through a three point fix.

But no worries, its all going fairly swell, even the theory week spent drawing tidal flows and estimated positions with tidal vectors and speed/distance/time. Oh and fairy soon we're doing meteorology- working out from high and low pressure points and troughs the wind strength and direction and cold fronts and blah blah. It worries me that someone might hire me.

Other than sailing its been pretty chilled. The surfers offer to give free lessons and get really into their board designs (Theyve names them all. Boys and their toys...)

Youd love this boy- theres a wine here that comes in a bag called goon. It cost twelve dollars a box and is so vile most of the time we have to buy mixer for it but alcohol is so expensive here (Baileys costs 33 dollars. Im in mourning) Its now become a verb. Its not uncommon to hear shouts of 'Goon me!" at the beginning of a night.

Anyway my love I have to go down to Freshwater to take the surfers up on their offer. Just want you all to know I miss my loves and my sex muffins. So much so Ive been dreaming about you.

Ems and I spent a day running around St Pancras trying to get hold of each other before we each had to leave because we wanted to see each other one last time.

Duffy helped me sail to France when I missed my flight.

Christine saved me from a lesbian rapist called Tara in the Louvre.

Alex was the eldest of 6 boys and 6 girls and the heir to the Duchy of South England out of which he had been thwarted by an evil witch and her crony.

Makes missing you a little funnier
xxxxxx