Just got gooned.

Dear Mini Roll boy,

I heard you were seeking for news from me so I've rapped this one out quick, sorry for the ever so long delay...

I have discovered however that the cynics have a point. Sailing may not be the career choice genetics had planned for me. My infamous disorganisation (New Year's anyone?) hasnt improved with a hemispheres worth of travel- I'm working my way through a collection of sunglasses, Ive lost my provisional drivers license and, when briefly trusted with the organisation of the boat provisions and travel managed to lose the envelope of money twice. Once in a mass supermarket where I ran around helplessly till a kindly Aussie took pity on me.

But really the most obvious hints were on the boat. Genetics are against me.

Im too short to tie and untie the knots on the boom and have to have it lowered specially for me.

Im too weak to quickly winch in the head and mainsail when we're tacking to be any good in races (Oh didnt I mention!?? Every Thursday there's a Twilight race at the Yachting Club which we take place in. The first week we came 3rd last [but give us a break! We'd only been on a boat four days...] but most recently we came 2nd. Plus one week we joined a boat which was low on crew. It turned out to be the old dude in his own little boat with what we thought was a foreign exchange student but turned out to be his highly incompetent 21 year old girlfriend who couldnt even wind a rope properly. He spent the entire way back commenting that every skipper who passed us was just thinking 'Who is this old guy with his little old beaten up boat and four young female crew members? Why cant I be him?' Trouble was it was so noisy I couldnt hear him so just kept smiling and nodding. I looked well keen.)

I cant tie shoelaces so sail ties, full roll and two half hitches, bowline, figures of eight and rolling knots are a little much for me...

I cant drive a boat backwards. There are several moments when the skipper has looked at me praying that I never get a drivers license...

But best yet is my version of seasickness. You know how I can sleep absolutely anywhere? Well the first sign of seasickness is falling asleep and I have now spent several passages poking myself to try and stay awake. Its got to the stage where I get on the boat and start dropping off. One of my crewmates came in to find me crashed out on the chart table halfway through a three point fix.

But no worries, its all going fairly swell, even the theory week spent drawing tidal flows and estimated positions with tidal vectors and speed/distance/time. Oh and fairy soon we're doing meteorology- working out from high and low pressure points and troughs the wind strength and direction and cold fronts and blah blah. It worries me that someone might hire me.

Other than sailing its been pretty chilled. The surfers offer to give free lessons and get really into their board designs (Theyve names them all. Boys and their toys...)

Youd love this boy- theres a wine here that comes in a bag called goon. It cost twelve dollars a box and is so vile most of the time we have to buy mixer for it but alcohol is so expensive here (Baileys costs 33 dollars. Im in mourning) Its now become a verb. Its not uncommon to hear shouts of 'Goon me!" at the beginning of a night.

Anyway my love I have to go down to Freshwater to take the surfers up on their offer. Just want you all to know I miss my loves and my sex muffins. So much so Ive been dreaming about you.

Ems and I spent a day running around St Pancras trying to get hold of each other before we each had to leave because we wanted to see each other one last time.

Duffy helped me sail to France when I missed my flight.

Christine saved me from a lesbian rapist called Tara in the Louvre.

Alex was the eldest of 6 boys and 6 girls and the heir to the Duchy of South England out of which he had been thwarted by an evil witch and her crony.

Makes missing you a little funnier
xxxxxx

No, I didnt get eaten by the locals.

Just a bit of Hong Kong. 

OH an in case you were wondering, yes that is a giant Easter bunny lit up on the side of that building. Just a pity I didnt catch the one where the mutant bunny bounces a massive Easter egg.

PS Duffy and Dribble- mainly I was disappointed that it didnt roll it down the stairs...

So this would be me steering a 32ft yacht under the Sydney bridge then tacking round next to the Opera House. Casual.

PS. That was Day One. What are they going to do to us Day 6? Fly the thing?!

OMG. Kangaroos. I'm just saying. At one point during the BBQ it jumped onto the stove looking for food. They were so damned cute. The photos below? I wasnt using zoom. I had a staring match with one of them. I won.

Nature-0 Lizzy-1

This is right next to where we're staying. Just a shout out for any men looking for paradise. It's what it says on the tin.

Dear Dribble,

I'd like to say I wrote this sitting on the bow of the boat, kicking my heels over the ocean and gazing out over Sydney harbour as a bush kangaroo bounces scenically along the shore. Not only would that be heinously pretentious but complete balls as Im sat on a bed eating pasta out of a pan as Prison Break plays in the background. Thats right, I've gone to the ends of the earth and still nothing changes.

Well love this is long overdue so I'll start at the very beginning (its a very good place to start). Sweet mother of God, flying Club World was so painfully luxurious that flying first class must be heaven. Possibly minus the 72 virgins. When I walked on the plane they gave me free champagne which felt a little out of place as families hobbled past me with castles of bags giving me the evils. The stewardess showed me how to put the divider up so I wouldnt have to see. Course the greatest problem was that the constant stream of the bubbly made me so sleepy I crashed with the glass still in my hand. Woke up a bit later with wine down my shirt. Immediate reaction? 'Oh my god I have magic breasts. I lactate Chardonnay!' This was so much less exciting than my other flights (except the one from Hong Kong where they gave me noodles and a pork bun for breakfast. Mmm pork buns. Tell Duffy. He'll weep with jealousy)

Hong Kong was bizarre but much better than I remembered. Largely though I just ate.  They have an equivalent of McD called Cafe de Corale which does fast food chinese- duck on rice in about 3 minutes for 27 HK dollars, aka 3 quid. Mate thats gotta catch on. There was one at the airport and (after my dad took me to the Cathe First class lounge where the woman had looked at my like I was a hobo this random businessman had just dragged in) I buggered off and got some of that. My dad was so disgusted.
I did go out for a bit and managed to ind the bizarrest shop called Food for skin- stuff like sugar exfoliater, red wine moisturiser, beer shampoo and aubergine eyeliner. LEGEND-hope youre not lactose intolerant cause youd hate the egg mayonnaise foundation-DARY. Also, I think youll appreciate tube stop 'Mongkok'. Far wittier than Pickawilly and Shepherd's Bush.

Australia is fantastic- yesterday was the hottest day theyd had in 85 years and today it rained so much it looked like wed just gone for a dip in the sea. I am however Neapolitan- white stomach, brown arms and red back. Id make any Italian proud. Oh and sailing? Love it. Still, you should have seen my skipper's face the first time I was at the helm. 'Turn it', he says, looking at me like pregnant penguin in a zoo, 'just like you'd drive a car'. There was a slightly awkward balloon moment before it dawns. 'You dont drive do you?' That was day one. Day 5 I crashed the boat into the pontoon. Impressive no?
 Its a bit like learning an entirely new language as well- I have to translate into non-salty sea dog speak before I do anything. 'Before you sweat the main halyard you need to release the vang and reefing lines and tighten the topping lift then lets look at the wind, put in a jibe and take a beamreach.' WTF.

I love and miss you my darling like green eggs miss ham
Imaginary cuddles,
Snort